Uniquely (Uter)Us

“Give me ideas for a ‘U’ post!” I wailed to the sister-in-law over Whatsapp yesterday. This wailing normally starts much earlier in the month, but I think moving to India has given me quite a bit of ammunition this year in terms of having new things to talk about. Now that we’re in the homestretch, though, my brain is completely fried, so I turned to Sayesha for help.

Dependable as she is, Sayesha threw a whole bunch of ‘U’ words at me, most of which I rejected because I’d either already written about them or couldn’t think of anything to write for them. And then, because we’re us and we can’t resist an opportunity to get ridiculous, this conversation unfolded:

Sayesha: Uterus!

Me: What about uteruses?! “I have one, I don’t plan to use it, kthxbye.”

Sayesha: Nice brief post. Egg-cellent idea, in fact.

Me: Ova-t an idea!

Sayesha: Womb-an, go for it.

Me: God-h will smite me.

[Sayesha: 😂 We are punning in hindia now.

Me: It happuns only in hindia!]

Sayesha: Don’t say things on the sper(m) of the moment hor.

Me: If I don’t say anything, we will be left with pregnant pauses in our conversation. The soil of our conversation needs fertilising.

Sayesha: Use your fertile imagination.

Me: I knew you’d go for the same word!

[Our ‘fertile/fertilisation’ pun happened at the same time, because our brains work the same way.]

Sayesha: 😱😀 Blast(ocyte) it!

Me: I’m going to get gas(trulation) from all this uterus talk.

Sayesha: Embryo-ce the truth.

Me: Are you planting the seeds for my next post? Ovule make me think of a new topic altogether?

Sayesha: You are s-o-vary talented, you can do it. I’ll cheer you on – for she’s a jolly good fallo(pian tube).

Me: The penis mightier than the sword. Wait… was that a double entendre?

Sayesha: 😂 Yes-trogen.

Me: God, this feels like a test(osterone), doesn’t it? If I pull this off, it will be a mighty foet(us).

[Long silence as both of us rack our brains to try and remember 12th standard Biology.]

Me: [giving up and aiming low] Balls!

Sayesha: Hi men!

Me: 😂😂😂 There aren’t any men here. Are you sure you’re taking the same test(icles) as me?

Sayesha: That’s just your folli(cle).

Me: If I reproduce this conversation word for word, do you think I’ll pass the test? I’m hoping to get a (pla)centa.

Sayesha: In the words of the Japanese, u-ter-us!

Me: 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sayesha: It’s a tough period in your life.

Me: It’s the lack of men(struation), I’m sure. Okay, zygote to go, dinner time! Thanks for the post!

Remember when I wondered why we are friends despite being very different people? The answer is obviously what we both have in common – uteruses and a love for puns.

Okay, okay, we’re ready for our pun-ishment now.

Punstars and Pundits

About two years ago, tired of turning to Facebook every single time I was bored, and sick of scrolling listlessly through articles I didn’t want to read, I removed the Facebook app on my phone. I figured I could check the website if I needed to, and that not having it handy on my phone would curb the addiction somewhat. I was right. I stopped checking Facebook often, and subsequently, I stopped posting as well. I had underestimated how dependent I’d grown on being able to post photos directly from my mobile, so when I stopped using the app, I stopped putting up pictures, and soon everything else also declined. These days, I only use Facebook for the contacts, to be able to get in touch with people whose phone numbers I don’t have (and to allow people to get in touch with me for the same reason).

For the most part, I’m happy with the baggage I’ve shed. I don’t really miss Facebook. Instagram has filled the need for pictures quite nicely, and I get my (relevant) news from all over the internet anyway. The only thing I do miss is interacting with people in the comments section, that too in a very specific kind of post. For a brief period in 2014, my Facebook wall became the hub of what I now refer to as “pun battles”, where something innocuous I would post would attract the punstars and the pundits among my friends and unleash a slew of punny comments. Myself, Sayesha and a few more friends were regular features on these posts (every other comment would be one of us), but my favourite part was always when someone random would sashay in, make a single high-class pun and waltz out in style. I go back to these posts once in a while to give myself a little chuckle, but I figured putting some screenshots over here would make them much more accessible for the future. (Excuse the terrible editing – I wanted to blur out the names.)

It all started with an innocent link to a pun battle on Buzzfeed (article is over here if you want a laugh), but some of us were feeling competitive already:

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Almost a full year later, I made a momentous discovery at work:

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Soon after, I ate something suspect:

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Then this happened:

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The last pun battle happened a while ago (I guess you can only take Russian humour so far):

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I only have one thing to say: take me back to Punderland, please!